Because the Saints drink this stuff.
After taking the day to reflect, I can say with near certainty that the reason the Colts lost the Super Bowl is because they weren’t drinking enough of Gatorade’s G Series. How can I prove this to be empirical, you might ask? Because I’m putting it on the internet right now, that’s why. And there’s no more veracious a forum than blogs. Did you ever see the film …and justice for all? Pacino. ‘79. Classic. Its moral: anyone can do whatever they want and get away with it. Like make hefty claims online that can neither be proven nor disproved. Or, say, accept one Super Bowl ad advocating pro-life agendas, but deny another from an online gay dating site. That’s why they call it a double standard: because it’s twice as fun as other standards for hypocrisy. But I digress.
The point is: if you drink Gatorade, you will be as strong and physically fierce as the athletes who endorse it, which if anything is just a strange coincidence. Take Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver Miles Austin, also known as the happiest man in football. Austin, a genuinely kind person who appreciates his God-given physique, the hard work he endures to maintain it, and his late-season rise as the spark that reignited the Dallas Cowboys football squad, drinks Gatorade. The transitive property clearly states that Gatorade must be the cause for his happiness and success.
But to be sure, at the Super Bowl, the Gatorade Performance Lab strapped Austin into a pod that determines body fat, then had him ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes of “sub-maximal exercise” to determine oxygen and calorie expenditure. They refused to let me get in the pod, nor did they tell me what the results of any of these tests were, but the cameras were flashing, Austin’s infectious smile made it a joyous affair, and they even had him pee in a cup. Presumably, whatever results were recorded will be used to design future drinks tailored to the uncanny oxygen-to-caloric-expenditure of a professional athlete. While some Gatorade beverages still include high fructose corn syrup, one Gatorade spokesperson told me they were working to get rid of it entirely. And I believed him. You know why? Because the Saints won the Super Bowl, and that means anything’s possible. -Elliott David
Coconut Water > Gatorade